When I was a little bit younger, I used to think that the Prince Charming would come and take me on his white horse as if I was one of these lovely princesses. Then, we would be happy forever. But as time went on, I realized that my life was just a repetition of love failures. Today, I just feel like deep inside I have been bleeding for too many years... Even though life is surely harder for most other people, I can not consider myself as happy. Events are just what I predicted : I want to find something that no longer exists. As a consequence, I came to the point that I hardly believe in it now... I believed in some strength I never had, to keep on hoping that I could be happy someday, but unfortunately love is something that will never be mine. I wish I could have offered the best of my soul to someone ; I tried so hard and as a matter of fact I was kind of kicked while I was already down. I understood that I can not make a man happy. No one ever wanted to take my hand and accepted me as a "boyfriend"... If only I could have understood why once, but I do not want to anymore. I had a heart, one man broke it into dozen of pieces, another one made of the dozen pieces a hundred, another made of the hundred pieces a thousand, and now I do not have any heart left, just some heart crumbs... I started to have night stands because it might be the only solution to feel the warmth of a body next to mine in the coldness of the night. It was a long time ago since I felt so sad and awkwardly I have no solution to this "unlovelableness"...Friends will never bring me what I need, and my family will never understand how I feel stuck in a world I do not like. My life is like a swimming pool in real life, and since I never learnt how to swim, I can not keep my head out of the water and I am slowly drowning... I fell in love with Antoine when I was 16 in high school. I insisted for almost a year to persuade him to accept my love but he is heterosexual and never wanted to go on a relationship with me. That is understandable after all and I am the only one to blame... I waited for two years before I met Damien on a fresh Parisian night of May in 2005. I will always remember him as being the sweetest guy I have ever met. I spent delightful moments with him, till December 2006 while I was in Sweden when he offered me a round-trip ticket to spend Christmas in Paris. More recently, I met Nicolas when I came back from my amazing Swedish experience. The first moments with him had nothing of something I wanted but I kept on seeing him because I liked him. Gradually I experienced an "healthy" relationship and realized that I could love someone and continue to live happily when I was not in his arms... One month after, he went on vacation in Greece and decided not to see me again when he came back. "I don't love you, I can't continue with someone I don't miss when he is away. I know you're really cute and very valuable but I'm not the man you need". I wish I could have said "I don't mind, I don't care, you're just nothing to me" but I remembered he told me that it had been a long time since he met someone like me and that I was quite "Anaël, tombé du ciel". Fallen from the sky yesterday, in the garbage bin today...I came to a simple conclusion : what's wrong with me ? I feel so culprit that no one wants to be my boyfriend. I know no one can force another one to get themselves in a relationship but I would have given anything to be with someone. Tonight I am looking around and I see all my belongings : this whole collection of DVDs and CDs, all these books on the shelves ; and nothing is missing to achieve my happiness. I have been spoilt and pampered since I came to the world. Nevertheless there is something missing in the large and soft bed I own since I turned 10. Is there a price to be happy ? Do we have to suffer for long undetermined years before having some rest ? I became conscious that I was kind of happy while I was in Sweden but that was just because of all the people who were with me, all the travels I got the chance to do, and all the changes which took place in my life. Now that I'm back to France for almost three months, I just feel that the best is behind me. This golden Swedish experience is now gone forever and belongs to the best memories I keep in my mind... Finally, I am more of a bachelor than ever. I look at some profiles on gay websites. I do not like most of the guys and when finally I find someone good-looking and/or interesting, he generally does not answer or is not single. As a matter of fact, I have just lost all my expectations on love... I used to be a small boy, I used to believe in fairy tales, and I used to think I would be happy as I have always been. But things have changed forever...
